Sound Like A Frog

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?

Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"

Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak, we get to go to Disney World!"

The Old Bible

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it!”

“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.”

Senior Citizens At The Coffee Shop

A group of senior citizens were sitting around at the coffee shop talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.

“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully ... "Thank God we can all still drive."

Speed Limit

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!" The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.

Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

Write It Down!

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up." "Okay." he said. "...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too." She added. "You'd better write all this down."

"I won't forget." He said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.

She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget." "What did I forget?" He asked.

She replied, "My toast!"

The Lumberjack

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down!"

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back... "Oh sure, that's what they call it now."

Moron Driving Rules

SHOPPING CENTER PARKING LOTS

When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.

Diagonal parking is preferred.

In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull through and take it from him.

Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules apply to picking-up and discharging passengers.

When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy", and park somewhere else.

If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots.

While you're at it, dump out all the garbage too.

If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

If you have handicap plates, always take a handicap parking spot. EVEN if the handicap person in your family is not with you.

When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out of the car, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go.

While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

When pulling out of a shopping center, always have the front of your car sticking out in the middle of traffic.

If you are pulling out of a parking lot and you want to drive into another shopping center which is only about 100 feet to the left, quickly make the left turn, dart head-on into the opposite lane of traffic and turn into the next parking lot.

When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

If you don't have handicap plates, PARK in a handicap spot. You should also joke with your passengers that if anyone says anything, you'll just walk with a limp.

When there are many open parking spots close to the store, choose the one right next to the guy who parked his brand new car all the way in the back.

Parking Ticket

Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you 157 dollars. Next..."

Surprise

A woman was sitting around feeling semi-miserable when her husband asked if ice cream would make her feel better. They had two flavors in the freezer and he asked which one she wanted. She said, "Surprise me."

About a minute later he came running out of the kitchen with his shirt pulled over his head, wearing a ghoulish Halloween mask, wielding a serving spoon and shouting "Aahhhhhhh!!!"

Once he was satisfied that she was thoroughly surprised, he handed her a bowl of chocolate chip.

What Really Happened in Washington DC

The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against such claims. However the President would like to state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent incident has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to undermine his administration.

Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing as his zipper got stuck.

Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky. In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the zipper.

For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr. Clinton's penis may have fallen out of his trousers. As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be seen with his penis hanging out, she took the presidential penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should anyone enter the room.

Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of her face so she could properly visualize his fly. It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's fly, and it was during this time that another staff member entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the situation.

Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky. He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.

Beyond Viagra

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Strenuous Activities That Are Guaranteed Not To Be Aerobic.

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

You are invited to try my program. Here are the things I have become good at:

• Beating around the bush
• Jumping to conclusions
• Climbing the walls
• Swallowing my pride
• Passing the buck
• Throwing my weight around
• Dragging my heels
• Pushing my luck
• Making mountains out of molehills
• Hitting the nail on the head
• Wading through paperwork
• Bending over backwards
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Balancing the books
• Running around in circles
• Eating crow
• Tooting my own horn
• Climbing the ladder of success
• Pulling out the stops
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Opening a can of worms
• Putting my foot in my mouth
• Starting the ball rolling
• Going over the edge
• Picking up the pieces

Enjoy The Exercise!

Daffynitions

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

Straight Out Of The Eighties...

This will only make sense to those of us who had the dubious distinction of being children of the eighties, or listened to music on a regular basis. If you were "there", then you will understand....

I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper. He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name.

Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer.

Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.

Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me righ round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is... Love stinks.

Sayings According To First Graders

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than.............punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before.........daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of.......termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
Don't bite the hand that...........looks dirty.
No news is.........................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.............Mrs.
You can't teach an old dog.........math.
If you lie down with dogs, you.....will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust....................me.
The pen is mightier than...........the pigs.
An idle mind is....................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's.........pollution.
Happy is the bride who.............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...................not much.
Two is company, three's............The Musketeers.
None are so blind as...............Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not........spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed..........get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind.........get out of the way.
There is no fool like..............Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose.

At Santa's Grotto

It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds"Nope".

So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said"Nope". then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y; and don't f**king tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger"!

Nerds

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

BEST CHOCOLATE RUM CAKE EVER

Ingredients:

1 or 2 quarts Rum 1 Tbsp Soda
1 Cup Butter 1/2 Cup Cocoa
1 Tbsp Sugar Lemon Juice
2 Large Eggs Brown Sugar
1 Cup Dried Fruit Nuts
Baking Powder

Befor you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. And 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge legs, 1 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets struck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again to check for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it doesn't matter) -- sampertherumagain. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juith. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or what-ever color you find. Wix mel. Greast over the turn cake pan to 350 gradees. Now pour the whole mess in the boven and cake. Check the rum again and bo to ged.

Hooked on Ebonics

LeRoy is a 20 year old 9th grader. This is LeRoy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Foreclose - If I pay alimony dis month, I got no money foreclose.
2. Rectum - I had two cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.
3. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs and da hotel everybody.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment dey gonna send me back to da big house.
5. Penis - I be at da doctor and he hand me a cup and say penis.
6. Israel - Alonso try da sell me a Rolex. I said, man dat be fake. He said bullshit, dat watch Israel.
7. Catacomb - Don King be at da fight da other night, man somebody oughta give dat catacomb.
8. Undermine - Dere's a fine lookin hoe livin in da partment undermine.
9. Acoustic - When I be liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
10. Iraq - When we be at da pool hall, I tol my uncle Iraq, you break.
11. Stain - My motha-in-law stopped by and I axed her do ya plan on stain for dinner?
12. Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to da Nicks game, so I seldom.
13. Honor - At da rape trial, da Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
14. Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey da tits on dat hoe.
15. Axe - Da policeman wanted to axe me some questions.
16. Tripoli - I be gonna buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a Tripoli.
17. Fortify - I axed da hoe how much? She said fortify.
18. Income - I be in bed with da hoe and income my wife.

Chinese Torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, he entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.

She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Anniversary Gift

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

The Preacher

Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Tony died. He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."

He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!"

Hiking

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Breaking Up

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced." she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares."

The Heart Donor

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon.

The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.

The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from. 'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000.'

The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.

'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000.'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000.'

'Five-hundred grand?!?', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

How about that?

There once was a third grader named Jimmy. Every time the teacher would say something, Jimmy would say, "How about that!"

One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the Delaware."

Jimmy said, "How about that!"

The teacher told Jimmy, "If you say that one more time, you are going out into the hall, mister!"

To that, Jimmy replied, "Well, how about that!"

Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Jimmy into the hall and said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class."

Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Jimmy and said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."

Jimmy said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall. How about that!"

The teacher said, "That's fine, Jimmy, but I want you to leave the cock out."

She took him back into the classroom and announced that Jimmy had a poem for the class.

Jimmy stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!"

Three Salesmen

Three salesmen were driving cross country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby.

He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn't be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night, on one condition..."Don't draw attention to my son, he's very sensitive because he was born without any ears."

After agreeing to his wishes the salesmen spent the night with the farmer. The next morning at the breakfast table the son noticed that the salesmen were staring at him. "What are you looking at?," he demanded.

The first salesman replied, "I was looking at your beautiful smile, it's important to take care of your teeth so you don't have to wear dentures."

The second salesman said, "I was looking at your thick curly hair, it's important to take care of your hair so you don't go bald and have to wear a wig."

The third said, "I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it's important to take care of your eyes,...Lord knows you can't wear glasses."

Non-Sequitur Quotations

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer

"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business." - Shelley Berman

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." - Johnny Carson

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." -Will Rogers

"Never moon a werewolf." - Mike Binder

Letter from School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

Reply from dad...

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

The Final Exam

There were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go and party with some friends.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Island Life

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trios."

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The 2 American men are playing coconut-football and haven't noticed that there is a woman.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, 'cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any.

Credit Card

In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the problem. They said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement. It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00. Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for their anniversary, bought her a typewriter instead.

A Kiss

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics: A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of the numbers 36, 24 and 36.

Prof. of Philosophy:A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English:A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering:Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

Professeur of French:A kiss is, well, you know... It's what you have to do before...

The Four Nuns

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."