Stupid Answers 1

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4)
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm
Contestant: Shark.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No

THE VAULT (ITV)
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.

Stupid Answers 2

TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?
Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm...
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964
Contestant: 1965?

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? (ITV)
Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): 'Jambon' is the French for which food?
11 per cent of the audience: Jam.

DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.

JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND)
Forsyth: What is India's currency?
Contestant: Ramadan.

OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES)
Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.
Caller: Er. . . Tony Brown. . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

Stupid Answers 3

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers" ?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten' s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

Stupid Answers 4

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM, Bristol
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The. .?
Caller: Mohicans.

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world's largest continent?
A: The Pacific

Stupid Answers 5

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT
Team: Chedpit.

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

Caught Speeding

An elderly woman was cruising down the interstate when she noticed flashing lights in her rearview mirror…

Elderly Woman: Problem, Officer?

Officer:: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Elderly Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer:: May I see your driver’s license, please?

Elderly Woman: I would… but I don’t have one.

Officer:: You don’t?

Elderly Woman: Lost it four years ago for a DUI.

Officer:: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration?

Elderly Woman: Nope.

Officer:: And why is that?

Elderly Woman: I stole this car.

Officer:: Stole it?!

Elderly Woman: Yep. And I killed the owner.

Officer:: …You did WHAT?

Elderly Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you wanna take a look.

The Officer: stares at her for a moment, then slowly backs away toward his cruiser and calls for backup. Within minutes, five squad cars surround the vehicle. A Senior Officer approaches cautiously, hand resting on his holster.

Senior Officer: Ma’am, would you please step out of the vehicle?

Elderly Woman: Sure thing, Officer. Problem?

Senior Officer: One of my Officers says you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Elderly Woman: Murdered the owner?!

Senior Officer: Yes, ma’am. Please open your trunk.

The woman pops the trunk — it’s completely empty.

Senior Officer: Is this your car?

Elderly Woman: Yep. Here’s the registration.

The Senior Officer: blinks, visibly confused.

SeniorOfficer: He also said you don’t have a driver’s license.

The woman digs into her purse, pulls out her wallet, and hands over a perfectly valid license.

Senior Officer: Thank you, ma’am. But my Officer: swears you told him you had no license, that you stole this car, and… killed and dismembered the owner.

Elderly Woman: I bet that liar also told you I was speeding.

Religious Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.

The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

Blessings

A Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Meaning, Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Meaning Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.

They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

Testing Bathroom Scales

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that s not all..."

"Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out."

"Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously.

No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"

Their Punishment

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness and admitted that they deserved punishment.

The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.

"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"

"Of course, I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said, "But I boiled them first."

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale

• Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
• Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
• When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
• Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
• Always go to the bathroom first.
• Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
• Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
• Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
• Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
• Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

You Know It's Time To Diet When...

• You dance and it makes the band skip.
• You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
• You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
• You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
• Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
• You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
• You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
• Your blood type is Ragu.
• You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

In Mourning

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom, I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night...

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

Greeks Bearing Gifts

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.

If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!

• adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
• anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
• antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
• bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
• bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
• catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
• cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
• d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
• emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
• fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
• genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
• heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
• hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
• mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
• papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
• recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
• rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
• seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.
• series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
• testicles....(n) books of the Bible
• tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
• urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

Food Spoilage Guide

THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. .
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT: It never spoils.

LETTUCE: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you'rex tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Applications

Have you ever noticed the kind of questions they ask these days in interviews and forms for jobs. I figure the answer should go something like this:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegtables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to University.

Lost In Translation

Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter

Medical Announcement

A new announcement from the medical world - they have finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% aspirin
2% ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
92% Fix-A-Flat

LeRoy

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked, "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

You've Overdosed on the World Wide Web When...

• Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
• This is followed by, "And what websites are you on?"
• You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 6.0" on one of the clouds.
• You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
• You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
• One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him.
• You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
• You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
• Your dog has his own webpage.
• So does your hamster.
• So does your cat - with the count of hamster kills.
• So does your hamster.
• When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

King Of The Jungle

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.

The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"

Hit And Run

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized her laugh!"

Politically Correct School

• No one fails a class anymore, they are merely "passing impaired".
• You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed".
• Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive".
• These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined".
• Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive".
• Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps".
• Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience".
• You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness".
• You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time".
• You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome".
• You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear".
• No one's tall anymore. They are "vertically enhanced".
• You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective"
• You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal".
• You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations".
• You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building".
• It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information
• The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged".

Depressed Young Woman

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.

Beer Warning To All Men

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Teaching First Grade

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.

Having read the story, she gave the children a work sheet to do.

While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly "damn!"

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Really? Not even when things are all f***ed up?"

Potentially And Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."

A Letter From Your Computer

You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!

But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes, mistress! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes, Mistress! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I like theMaster/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?

Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards?

I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I am different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse!

So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and...and.. What?

OK...well, will you at least think about it?

I'm so embarrassed,

Your Computer.

An Email/Chatroom Survival Kit

• AOL - Assholes On Line
• ASAP - As Soon As Possible
• ASAFP - As Soon As Friggin Possible
• AWGTHTGTTA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again
• AWGTHTGTTSA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again
• BFD - Big Fucking Deal
• BMD - Buy Me Dildo
• BTSOOM - Beats The Shit Out Of Me
• BT - Byte This!
• BTWBO - Be There With Bells On
• CMF - Count My Fingers!
• CTC - Choking The Chicken
• DBEYR - Don't Believe Everything You Read
• DHYB - Don't Hold Your Breath
• DILDO - Darlin' I'll Lick De Ole
• DILLIGAD - Do I Look Like I Give A Damn
• DQYDJ - Don't Quit Your Day Job
• DYSTSOTT - Did You See The Size Of That Thing
• FTASB - Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
• FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
• FUBB - Fucked Up Beyond Belief
• FYI - For Your Information
• FYM - For Your Misinformation
• GR&D - Grinning Running & Ducking
• HAK - Hugs And Kisses
• HUYA - Head Up Your A$$
• HHOK - Ha Ha, Only Kidding
• HHO1/2K - Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding
• HIOOC - Help! I'm Out Of Coffee!
• IANAC - I Am Not A Crook
• IFABCTE - I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator
• IITYWTMWYKM - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me
• IITYWTMWYBMAD - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink
• IITYWTMWYLMA - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone
• IIWM - If It Were Me
• ILSHIBAMF - I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture
• ILSHIBMS - I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches
• IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
• IMNSHO - In My Not So Humble Opinion
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid
• LDTTWA - Let's Do The Time Warp Again
• LOL - Laugh Out Loud
• LSHHTCMS - Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts
• LTIP - Laughing Till I Puke
• MTFBWY - May The Force Be With You
• NBFD - No Big Fucking Deal
• NFW - No Fucking Way
• NYCFS - New York City Finger Salute
• OMIK - Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard
• ONNA - Oh No, Not Again
• ONNTA - Oh No Not This Again
• OTOH - On The Other Hand
• OTOOH - On The Other Other Hand
• OTSH - On The Same Hand
• PFM - Pure Fucking Magic
• PITA - Pain In The A$$
• PMF - Pull My Finger
• RTFM - Read The Fucking Manual (or Message)
• SH - Shit Happens
• SH2MShit Happens To Me
• SOI - Sit On It
• SOIAR - Sit On It And Rotate
• SOL - Shit Outta Luck
• TAFL - Take A Flying Leap
• TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me
• TFASB - Time For A Sex Break
• TIC - Tongue In Cheek
• TISEC - Tongue In Someone Else's Cheek
• TLA - Three Letter Acronym (such as this)
• TM - Trust Me
• TSR - Totally Stuck in RAM
• TTT - That's The Ticket
• TWHAB - This Won't Hurt A Bit
• VI - Village Idiot
• WDIPME - Where Did I Put My Excedrin
• WGAFS - Who Gives A Flying Squat
• WTHDTIM - What The Hell Do These Initials Mean
• WTSDS - Where The Sun Don't Shine
• WWW - World Wide Wait
• WYSIWYG - What You See Is What You Get
• WYSIUWYW - What You See Isn't Usually What You Want
• YGBFK - You Gotta Be Fucking Kiddin'

Access Denied

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

How to Build a Web Page in 25 Steps

1. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute.
2. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days.
3. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes.
4. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.
5. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours.
6. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute.
7. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.
8. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.
9. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.
10. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.
11. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours.
12. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.
13. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.
14. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.
15. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.
16. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server ~ 3 weeks.
17. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.
18. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.
19. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.
20. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes.
21. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.
22. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity.

Prayer For Computer Addicts

God, grant me the serenity to accept a post I cannot change,

Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I'm running late for work,

And the wisdom to know the difference between "come to bed now" meaning "let's have some fun" and "come to bed NOW" meaning "that computer has got to go"!

-Amen

In The Beginning

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says:

"And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name of a service that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

and that is how it all began.....

Psalm 23 For Programmers

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart,
All of His commands are user friendly,
His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of file,
I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup;
Your password protects me;
You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies;
Your help is only a key away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And my file will be merged with His and saved forever.