How to Handle Stress

• Jam 39 miniature marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
• Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.
• Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
• Dance naked in front of your pets.
• Tattoo "OUT TO LUNCH" on your forehead.
• Buy a subscription to Sleazoid Weekly and send it to your bosses wife.
• Relaxing by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the "Flintstones" during an important finance meeting.
• Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
• Refresh yourself; put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail
• Tell your boss to blow it out his mule, and let him figure it out.
• Polish your car with earwax
• Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
• Lie on your back; eat celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.
• Make a tape recording of a lion roaring and play it while frolicking with your kitten in front of the neighbors.
• Ask your neighbor if anything got broken in last night's earth quake.
• Ride up the escalator facing backwards.
• Write a letter to the editor condemning scientists for trying to wipe out whole species like the AIDs virus.
• Phone the minister of finance and demand a tax increase.
• Send a letter of resignation from your boss to your boss' boss.
• Write your boss' resume and submit it to various headhunters.
• Phone your dentist and tell him you've changed your mind, you want that wisdom tooth back.
• Tell your husband/wife he/she was adopted. <duh, huh?>
• Phone the university and report that you are an extraterrestrial and would they volunteer to return to your home planet.
• Phone any government agency and ask them "So just what is it you people do all day anyway?"

How to Get Even With Someone

• Garage Sale - Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!
• X-Rays at Airports Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. An absolute classic...
• Oil Spot - At night pour used oil underneath the victim's car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.
• Flat Tire - Very similar to the Oil Spot, but with a twist. Let most of the air out of one of your victim's tires. Keep doing this each night, and watch as they call a tow truck or the Automobile Club day after day. Odd how those new tires keep losing air, too.
• Paper Money - Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. Another favorite...
• Fax Machines - Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as Oil Spot.
• Dogs - Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.

White Hair

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of Grandma's hairs are white?"

Nut House Suicide

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Mole Family

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

Computer Experts Dictionary

ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."

BUG: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

CACHE: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.

DESIGN: What you regret not doing later on.

DOCUMENTATION: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.

ECONOMIES OF SCALE: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations.

HARDWARE: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

INFORMATION CENTER: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

INFORMATION PROCESSING: What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.

MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM: A program that will not run on any machine.

MEETING: An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.

MINICOMPUTER: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.

OFFICE AUTOMATION: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

````````````` ON-LINE: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.

PASCAL: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

PERFORMANCE: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumoured to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

PRIORITY: A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.

QUALITY CONTROL: Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.

REGRESSION ANALYSIS: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.

STRATEGY: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

SYSTEMS PROGRAMMER: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you are to receive from your boss.

Senior Citizen Strikes Back

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the heck are you doing for the next generation??"

Fair Deal

In bygone days, a thin man insulted a fat man. The fat man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.

On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."

Idiot Computer Virus

We regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the 'Idiot Computer Virus'.

Since our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank You

Same String

There was a rope who walked into a restaurant and asked to be seated.

The waiter said I'm sorry but we don't serve strings here.

The string, not one to be told what to do, goes home and ties himself in a knot and frays his edges. He returns to the same restaurant and again asks to be seated.

The waiter asks, aren't you the same string that came in here a while ago?

The string says no sir I'm a frayed knot.

McDonalds Application Form

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's restaurant ...and they hired him!

NAME:Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Be Wary Of Blondes

A blind guy enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind man hollers to the bartender, "Buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6 foot 200 pound blonde with a black belt in Jeet Kun Do. What's more, the bloke sitting next to me is blonde and he's a heavyweight boxer. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. D'ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy says, "Ach, nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Balls

After a two year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed people is: BASKETBALL

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: FOOTBALL

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

The Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch any activities that might develop.

A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree.

Not see.

NO FEE.

The Ideal Job

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Useful Expressions For High Stress Days

1. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

2. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

3. Do I look like a fucking people person?

4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

6. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

7. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

8. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

9. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

10. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

11. It must be awful hard to hear with your head up your ass.

12. I'd agree with you if you were right, but you're not.

13. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

14. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

15. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

16. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

17. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

18. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

19. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

20. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. No, my powers can only be used for good.

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm reallyquite busy.

24. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

25. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

The Blonde Kidnapper

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Brown Paper Cowboy

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

Early '00 Vocabulary

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica Lewinsky, etc.

DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. (See also, "Decruitment.") **See also, "Decommissioned"

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the "THREE-FINGERED SALUTE."

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ...he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ... um...friend."

BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Old Lady

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again survives the electrocution.

At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret --

"What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."

How to speak about men and be politically correct

* He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

* He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

* He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

* He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION

* He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

* He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

* He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION

* He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED

* He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

* He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

* He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES -He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT

How to speak about Women and be politically correct

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED PERSON

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT

She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY ADJUSTED

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR

Politically Correct Teens

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Sisters Of Mercy

This guy is driving along the deserted highway and sees the sign

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads . . .

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway,"

He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot. Facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Top 10 reasons Compilers must be female:

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss

Top 10 reasons Compilers are male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter

*** WARNING COMPUTER VIRUS ***

*** WARNING COMPUTER VIRUS ***

Please warn all your friends and everybody you have ever met

----------------------------------------------------------
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
----------------------------------------------------------

If you receive an e-mail message with "End-All Virus" in the subject line, DON'T OPEN IT.

If you do: End-All will re-write your entire hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks (and eggs) that are even close to your computer. It will turn your CD ROM drive into a coffee cup holder and you will be forces to hum into the phone to get your modem to work.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream will melt. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards and bill you for the service. It will screw up the tracking on your VCR (If you ever figured out how to program the darn thing) and it will use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will make you type Tipos. End-All will leave the toilet seat up. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work.

END ALL invites your mother-in-law over for a month. It replaces the sugar in your coffee with sweetener, causes your cable to only tune in home repair programs, and make people aware of all the things you are personally guilty of actually doing

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. And it makes you read funny e-mails.

Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

7. "Actually I was doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan'(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

9. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

10. "The coffee machine is broke...."

11. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

12. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

13. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

14. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands."

15. And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: "Amen."

B.O.O.K.

Introducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge software

BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use, even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere -- even on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc! Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom fit device (a "binder") which maintains each sheet in its correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to utilize BOTH sides of each sheet, thus doubling information density while cutting costs.

Sheets are scanned optically, registering information directly to the brain -- the most efficient interface yet developed!

And simple: a flick of a finger takes you to the next sheet!

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it!

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The "browse" feature permits you to move instantly to any single sheet, AND move forward and backward as you wish. Forget scrolling arrows or multiple key commands! BOOK often comes with an "index" feature which pinpoints the exact sheet location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open book at THE EXACT PLACE YOU LEFT IT IN A PREVIOUS SESSION ... even if BOOK has been closed!

Best of all, BOOKmarks fit universal design standards ... any BOOKmark can be used in any BOOK by any manufacturer!

A brand new BOOKmark can even be used in a BOOK that predates it by months, even years!

Should you wish to store numerous views in a single book, multiple BOOKmarks can be used.

You also have the option to make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a new information-delivery wave. BOOK's appeal is so certain that thousands of self-employed content creators (like me) have committed to the platform, and edit technicians are evaluating their submissions.

Mottos

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made on the spot
6. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet
11. Remember half the people you know are below average
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a fool
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you

Don't You Hate It When...

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

64(well 63) Ways to Phone in a Pizza Order

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with,"Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

10. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

11. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN PUCE.

12. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

13. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song

14. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

15. Stutter on the letter"p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Stuffed Crust)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

32. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

33. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

34. Imitate the order taker's voice.

35. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

36. Play a sitar in the background.

37. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

38. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

39. Ask to see a menu.

40. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

41. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

42. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

43. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

44. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

45. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

46. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Mary Joseph and the wee donkey in Tinsel Town."

47. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

48. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

49. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"

50. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

51. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

52. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

53. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

54. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

55. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

56. Put them on hold.

57. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

58. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

59. Haggle.

60. Order a one-inch pizza.

61. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

62. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

63. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

64. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

Courtroom transcripts

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word....
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the crash?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

When The Whistle Goes

Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the city. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

What's In A Name

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."